


RC #133,316,666 Mission #2: Little Green Mobs

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #133,316,666 [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Mary Sue, New Recruit - Freeform, PPC Mission, Recruitment, Sporking - Freeform, badfic, mini-Creepers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 05:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14442867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which the agents get the jump on a loyalty-challenged Warrior!Sue and make a surprising new friend.





	RC #133,316,666 Mission #2: Little Green Mobs

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic_ (Rayner’s home continuum) belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust. _Minecraft_ belongs to 4J Studios and Mojang. Agent Rayner Blitzkrieg belongs to me, and is based off [Trotsworth](http://trotsworth.deviantart.com/)'s character, Rainbow Blitz. Agent Evangeline von Lilith also belongs to me.  
>  The fic being sporked, ["Creeper H"](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8705265/1/Creeper-H), belongs to [MysteryMoonbeam](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3626311/MysteryMoonbeam), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** PoorCynic, Iximaz, TheShyIon, and Storme Hawk.
> 
> \- **Rating:** K+/PG - Like a standard Minecraft Let's Play, except quite a bit sillier and with much less RPF fic.
> 
> \- **Original posting date:** February 10, 2015
> 
> \- **Note:** For the upload of this mission to AO3, Rayner's dialogue has been modified to include the speech patterns given to him since 2017.
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1um6YK_9KjccY3R43tZT8qhTkbcmEGy7KikHJjNQqDQY/edit)

Cover Illustration: [Creeper Love](https://emybun.deviantart.com/art/Creeper-Love-423195679) by [EmyBun](https://emybun.deviantart.com/)

 

> “We are the universe. We are everything you think isn't you. You are looking at us now, through your skin and your eyes. And why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? To see you, player. To know you. And to be known.”
> 
> — End Poem,  _ Minecraft  _ (2009)

* * *

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

E.V.L. was bored. Very, very bored.

It had been two hard months of therapy that the ex-Ficubus hadn’t really wanted, but the Sunflower Official had insisted on it being a necessary procedure.  _ Ha! As if _ , she thought sourly for the umpteenth time.  _ I’m still convinced that I can develop just fine, thank you! _

Telling her off about not trying to do things her way had been the easy part — after what had happened on her first mission, she could tell that it was important. Getting the glitter extracted, however, had been more difficult. Being a former Author Wraith meant that she was  _ made _ of glitter, and there had to be some way of converting it into a more tolerable essence, otherwise the extraction would have erased her from existence completely. Since Suvian glitter is similar to blood as well as life essence, it was decided that the blood of the Shadow Beasts from  _ The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess _ was an acceptable substitute (and rather karmic, too, since she had visited the Zelda continuum as a badfic character), with egg white mixed in as a distillation agent and to provide the additional proteins needed for a physical form.

The telepathic connection between herself and her partner was the hardest part. She didn’t remember exactly how the connection was set up, but all she knew was that she’d blacked out and next thing she knew, she was hearing her partner’s thoughts in her head, and vice versa. Neither of them took it so well, and they had spent the next half hour hurling unprintable obscenities at each other. It was decided then and there that they would have to undergo therapy separately to avoid any mishaps.

She still didn’t think it was called for, but really, what else could she do?

Right now, E.V.L. was sitting in the corner of her extradimensional imprisonment container, a completely white, blank, and empty space with absolutely  _ nothing _ to do (she had tried detaching her head and throwing against the wall of the cell repeatedly like a bouncy ball, but she developed a nasty migraine after just three times and decided not to pursue the venture any further). She hadn’t been lying to herself — this really was the worst possible penalty for someone who had tried to take over at least four different continua.

The only thing she  _ could _ do, of course, was observe Rayner’s thoughts. Most of them of course were insults directed at her, declarations of killing all the Mary Sues in the world, or reminiscing about his previous partner. He had wisely kept what had really happened to Nick away from her, but he knew the question was going to come up eventually. She had seen the little shrine he’d made in his memory when she’d first entered his room two months ago.

And so the two of them carried on with their separate lives. There was only one way they could ever see each other physically, and that was — 

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

_ Apple-BUCKER! _ Rayner shouted from his RC.  _ Did they have to pick such a bad time for this? _ _! Ugh, what the heck, might as well get E.V.L. over here. _

_ You called?  _ she thought in response.

_ We’ve got a mission. First one since our trip to rehab. I might as well try this out… Excuse me… _

E.V.L. started to wonder what he was doing in his RC, but no sooner had the thought crossed her mind when she felt something grab her hair and give her a good hard yank. Next thing she knew, she was back in RC #133,316,666 for the first time in a long while… or at least her severed head was, dangling by her hair from her partner’s hand.

He yelled and dropped her head to the floor. “Whoops! I forgot that was a thing! Hang on, lemme get the rest o’ ya…”

The demon girl’s head floated into the air and turned to see Rayner saying something in front of a spell circle drawn onto the Generic Floor, the oversized copy of  _ The Divine Comedy _ resting on the center. A moment later, her headless body and binding chains appeared, connecting the book to her ankle.

“A summoning ritual?” E.V.L. said sarcastically. “Real original, Pony Boy.”

“It’s from  _ Fate/stay night _ ,” her partner explained. “Mages from that continuum can summon legendary spirits with a summoning circle, an invocation, and an artifact related to said hero's legend. Long story. But anyway, shall we get ready?”

“What is it this time?” she asked. “Pegacorn, human, talking animal, noncanonical denizen of Tartarus, or…?”

“None of the above, actually — and we aren’t goin’ back to my home continuum for this mission, in fact. We are enterin’ the world of  _ Minecraft _ .”

Her head blinked in surprise while her body stood up. “I beg your pardon?”

“You don’t know?” Rayner asked, picking her head up and putting it back on her shoulders. “It’s an open sandbox video game, and one of the most popular in the world. The keyword is ‘open’, as there is no canon to begin with, but we’re still keepin’ tabs on it because there may be a chance that any Sues there could prepare for invadin’ other worlds right under our noses. I’m surprised they even  _ have _ badfic purely devoted to this game — most of the stuff I’ve heard from it has to do with the World One celebrities who make a living playing it.”

“So, does that have to do with the badfic we’re dealing with?”

“Not very much, thank the princesses,” he replied, opening the closet and rummaging through a mini-landslide of random stuff. “World One badfic is an extremely touchy subject with the folks Upstairs. Dunno if the fact that this focuses on the game itself rather than the Let’s Players associated with it is good or bad, but I don’t care. This Sue is goin’ down!”

With that, he pulled out a pixellated turquoise sword.

E.V.L. gave her partner her best ‘WTF?’ expression. “Seriously?”

“Ah, I haven’t used this thing in a  _ long _ while,” he said proudly. “A diamond sword I got from the Armory for a previous mission. It’s not enchanted, since I didn’t have the levels for it, but hey, what can ya do?”

E.V.L. looked at the sword with a puzzled expression. “Are you  _ sure _ you know what you’re doing, Pony Boy?”

“Maybe, maybe not. At least it’s canonical, ain’t it?”

“It’d better be,” E.V.L. muttered. “If we get in trouble with the Sunflower for  _ your  _ stupidity this time…”

“Trust me, I know what I’m doin’,” Rayner replied. “This fic’s in first-person, so we’ll need another crash-test-dummy. Thank Celestia this continuum doesn’t even  _ have _ blood!” He opened up a portal, flipping his sword behind him at the same time. It seemed to stick to his back without any fastening system.

Picking up the beige cube that was sitting next to the console, he tossed it through the portal and turned to E.V.L. “Grab the Fictionary, will ya, Glitter Girl? We’ve got a job to do.”

“What about our disguises?”

Rayner snorted in exasperation, his nostrils flaring. “I’ve already set them. I’ll explain when we get there.”

_ Well, I guess it could’ve been worse,  _ E.V.L. thought sourly.

_ Tell me about it _ , Rayner thought in reply.

_ What the — ?! _

_ Two-way connection, remember? Knowin’ what we’re up against, we’re gonna need it. _

_ Yippee. In the sarcastic sense, of course. _

With that, the bound ex-Ficubus and the humanized pegasus stepped through the portal.

 

* * *

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: [C148 — “Minecraft”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0odHtFMh2KA)



 

_ Rayner_Bowerman_Blitzkrieg joined the game. _

_ Evangeline_von_Lilith joined the game. _

 

Two blocky creatures appeared in the pre-fic Generic Space. They walked on four legs, with tall, mottled-green bodies, and cube-shaped heads with a distinctive frown.

E.V.L. looked at her little cuboid feet with a confused expression. “What are we?”

“Creepers,” Rayner replied. “You’ll see why when the fic starts. To cut a long story short, let’s just say that you do  _ not _ wanna run into one in a dark mineshaft. ”

“Why? What do they do?”

“They, well… They blow up. Anyone and everyone who knows that  _ Minecraft  _ exists has come to dread the infamous hissing sound they make.”

E.V.L. noticed that he seemed to draw out the ‘S’ sounds in his voice a little.

“So, where do we start?” she asked, noting that her voice seemed to hiss a little as well.

> **After discovering the most addictive game I've ever played, I decided I have to write a fanfic about it. :D I hope you like it.**
> 
> **:)**
> 
> **Disclaimer: Minecraft, Steve, Creepers etc belong to Mojang, not me. :3**

The Author’s Note boomed throughout the Generic Space.

“Right about now,” said Rayner, keeping his diamond sword in his inventory in case things got ugly. “Just keep quiet and don’t get noticed.”

“Right.”

> **CHAPTER 1 My Very First Mission**
> 
> **My name is Creeper H. The H stands for Human. You see, I am not an ordinary Creeper. At the age of five, the Creeper Alliance kidnapped me and used me for an experiment. The odds of my survival were low, but surprisingly the experiment was a success. I had TNT planted in my body and wired to my brain. I am half creeper, half human, and because of that I am known as Creeper H, or just H, in the CA. It's been ten years since that fateful day, and now that I'm fifteen(and well trained by the alliance) I'm stronger than twenty creepers put together.**
> 
> **This is the story of how I took down the entire Creeper Alliance... including myself.**

If Rayner’s mouth could have fallen open, it would have.

“Half-creeper, half-human?!” he spluttered, looking at the dummy which was now shaped like a blocky human. “That makes no sense at all! She isn’t even properly described, for Luna’s sake! And TNT  _ inside _ her body?! Unless this is a modded server, I’m pretty sure that’s just not possible! You can’t wire TNT to someone’s brain, you load o’  _ horse-apples! _ ”

“Just the introduction and already you’re exploding,” E.V.L. grumbled. “Well, metaphorically speaking.”

“You might wanna make sure I don’t  _ literally  _ blow up,” Rayner hissed. “Creepers die upon detonation, and much as I’d like to take you down with me, we have more important things to do.”

“You know, there’s a licensed ‘Creeper Anatomy’ shirt that shows that a Creeper’s TNT is literally wired to its brain. Maybe the fic is referencing that.”

“Good point, but still! Creeper anatomy is  _ not  _ the same as human anatomy.”

Before she could respond, another creeper appeared, albeit one that was only half as tall as the other two.

E.V.L. looked down at the miniature creeper with a bemused expression, and it looked up at her. “Um, Rayner? Is this what I think it is?”

Rayner looked too. “A mini-creeper? Looks like  _ somebody _ forgot a lowercase letter.”

Indeed, the mini-creeper had text floating above it that read, “ Creeper ”, much like a player label.

“But why does a capital spelling result in a mini?” asked E.V.L. “I don’t see that happening with ‘Creeper Alliance’, but I could be wrong.”

“You’re not supposed to capitalize the name of a mob unless it’s referred to as a proper noun or at the beginnin’ of a sentence,” Rayner explained. “They said as much on the Minecraft Wiki. For example, ‘Creepers will explode if you get too close’ is okay, but ‘A Creeper will explode if you get too close’ is not.”

The mini-creeper snuggled up to E.V.L.’s stubby front leg.

“I think it’s cute,” she chuckled. “I’ll probably keep it.”

“Only you,” Rayner noted, “would want the bane of everyone who’s ever played  _ Minecraft _ as a  _ pet. _ ”

> **-x-**

The agents and the mini were startled by the sudden section break, and then the world seemed to form around them, taking on the shape of the Sue’s room. The generic-looking dummy got into bed just before a voice came from nowhere.

> **"H! Are you in there?"**
> 
> **I sat up in my bed, startled. "YYeah, I'm here!"**
> 
> **A creeper friend of mine entered my room. "What are you doing?! Number One is going crazy, wondering where you are!"**
> 
> **I was confused. "Why?"**
> 
> **"Oh, for crying out loud." He probably would have facepalmed if his stubby legs could could reach his face. "You forgot AGAIN?"**
> 
> **I thought hard. It suddenly dawned on me what I had forgotten. "The meeting!"**
> 
> **"Yes! Hallelujah, it's a miracle, H remembered the meeting!"**
> 
> **"There's no need to be sarcastic," I said scornfully, getting out of bed and glaring at the creeper, who was known as Creeper XXIV, or just Twenty-Four.**
> 
> **"Well, it would be nice if for once you remembered so I don't have to wake you up ten minutes late."**
> 
> **"Ten minutes?!"**
> 
> **"Well, maybe it's two. It doesn't matter." He shook his head. "Let's go, they're all waiting for us."**

Rayner shook his head angrily as they followed the creeper and the Sue. “Since when did creepers get referred to by number? Or talk? Or form organized crime units?!”

E.V.L. looked in her inventory and found a book labeled ‘ Fictionary ’. Opening it up, she scrolled through the pages until she reached the ‘Mobs’ section.

“The only mobs that form societies, at least as far as I know, are villagers and zombie pigmen. All the others just spawn and do… well, mob things.”

“That’s the thing about  _ Minecraft, _ ” said Rayner. “There’s so little that’s actually defined by canon that people feel free to just go nuts about what’s behind the scenes. The only real hint of a story mode in the game itself is the player going to The End to defeat the Ender Dragon.”

E.V.L. flipped through the Fictionary again. “Actually, Mojang’s planning on a collaborative  _ Minecraft: Story Mode _ with Telltale Games. I take it that may affect how this continuum’s supposed to work?”

“If it’s considered canon? Probably,” replied Rayner. “I’m more worried about Sues trying to hide from us in this world, though.”

His partner decided not to argue. The mini-creeper needed a safe place to hide, so she picked it up like an item and put it in her inventory.

> **Two Creepers stood atop the stage, one wearing a diamond helmet. That was Creeper I, more commonly known as Number One, the leader of the Creeper Alliance. His favourite thing in the whole world is diamonds. Standing next to him was a smaller creeper, his assistant, Creeper II, also called(you guessed it) Number Two. Because of his name, Number Two is often the butt of many jokes in the alliance. Behind his and Number One's back, of course, though I never join in. Number Two made me what I am today; he was the one who planted TNT inside me and trained me over the past ten years.**

Rayner had to hold his giggles in. “Of  _ course _ they’d joke about it,” he chuckled.

The two of them seemed to blend in with the crowd as Creeper I/Number One announced that Steve, the player character, had been finally located by one Creeper III. Some exposition explained that Steve had a great hoard of diamonds, and that was  **why Number One want** [ed] **him dead.**

“Much as I’d hate to agree with the Sue, I really have to wonder why this creeper  **loves diamonds so much** ,” Rayner muttered. “It makes no sense!”

“The love of money is the root of all evil, dear boy,” E.V.L. noted.

“Buck off, Glitter Girl.”

The crowd of creepers erupted into protest, demanding that they blow up Steve’s house, or even Steve himself, upon which Number One told them to quiet down. The Sue noted that he used the term “brothers” even though there were also female creepers, including herself.

“Since when did creepers have genders?” asked E.V.L.

“Since the badfic began. The mobs’re all technically genderless, at least accordin’ to Notch. And I don’t think creepers are even animals — the developers said that they have the texture of dried leaves, so they could be more plant-like.”

“So they explode to disperse their seeds?”

“We dunno, and like so many other things about  _ Minecraft _ , we probably never will.”

The meeting continued, with the creepers deciding that a spy would befriend Steve, and attempt to gain his trust. Then Number One declared that the creepers would kill him, cook him, and eat him in celebration should things work out.

“What I  _ do _ know, though, is that creepers don’t  _ eat _ people! Zombies do!” Rayner hissed angrily.

Needless to say, the Sue was chosen as the spy. Everyone looked at her, including the agents. She immediately accepted the mission, to the surprise of nobody at all.

“And so the derailment of the canon begins,” E.V.L. whispered dramatically.

After the meeting dispersed, the agents followed the Sue and Twenty-Four to her room, where she started packing for the trip.

> **He whistled. "Nice sword."**
> 
> **"Thanks."**
> 
> **"Diamond too. What enchantments has it got?"**
> 
> **"Looting, smite, knockback and fire aspect."**
> 
> **"Awesome. Hey, where did you get the melon?" he asked.**
> 
> **"Number One gave it to me. He said not to accept any food Steve might offer me, just in case."**

Rayner whistled too. “Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” he asked with a blocky smirk.

“If it’s better than the one you have, can I have your old one?”

“ _ No. _ ”

Just then, there was a hiss behind the agents, who whirled around. Three more mini-creepers had joined them, with the nametags “ smite ”, “ knockback ”, and “ fire aspect ”. The one labeled “ fire aspect ” sported flame sprites around it as well.

“Okay,” E.V.L. said with a raised eye socket, “I’m pretty happy with Creeper as it is, but where in Cocytus did these minis come from?”

The disguised anthro-pegasus would have facepalmed if he could. “Apparently, spellin’ an enchantment name wrong (you’re supposed to capitalize those) also creates a mini-creeper. The correct terms should be Smite, Knockback, and Fire Aspect.”

“Improper capitalization strikes again, I see. Should I get these little cuties to the Mini Adoption Agency?”

He shuddered a little, but didn’t argue. “Go on ahead.”

A few lines of dialogue later, the Sue and Twenty-Four bade each other farewell, and she headed off on her first mission. Having led the minis out of the fic (and sent Creeper back to their RC besides), E.V.L. closed the portal, and hurried through the one to the next chapter after her partner.

The two of them landed outside of a cabin in the Overworld. The Sue hurried up to the cabin, finding two animal kennels, containing a pig and a dog (“That should be a  _ wolf _ ,” Rayner noted), respectively.

The wolf, named Thunder, started barking at the intruder, and a young man with brown hair, a blue shirt, and darker blue pants came out of the cabin to confront the Sue.

Thinking quickly, she came up with the excuse that she’d lost her memory. He promptly invited her inside, and the agents hid next to a random window to watch the conversation.

The Sue stumbled a little while trying to figure out what to say, accidentally revealing that she lived in the jungle north-west of the cabin, but she steered the conversation towards Steve’s pets: Thunder the wolf, Porkchop the pig, and Sunset the cat.

“You think they’ll assimilate back into canon once we kill the Sue?” asked E.V.L.

“Most likely. This could be just one possible world — Steve could’ve chosen a different course of actions in a different save file.”

“Speaking of which, since when did they have female player character models?”

Rayner paused, thinking for a moment. “Since never,” he said. “Did you check the Fictionary? The player character is gender neutral as well, technically, and female skins can be implemented. And there was another character model introduced in the 1.8 update last year, but we don’t know whether Alex? really is female.”

“Can that be considered a charge?”

“I’ll… think about it.”

> **"Can't you remember your name at all?" Steve asked worriedly.**
> 
> **I shook my head.**
> 
> **"Well, you need a name. Otherwise what am I supposed to call you?" He thought hard. "What kind of names do you like?"**

“Great,” Rayner snorted as the two of them hid next to one of the windows of Steve’s cabin. “What’s she gonna come up with? Something that isn’t creative like Tara Swift?”

“Please don’t talk about that again,” E.V.L. replied fiercely.

“Unless you stop acting like an idiot, I doubt it.”

“But I’m the smarter one here. Who’s the one keeping you from going in and killing the Sue prematurely?”

“Says the one who tried to confront a Character Replacement without backup.”

“I thought I said to never bring that up again.  _ Ever. _ ”

> **"I think something strange would suit you. Something like Moonbeam or Destiny."**
> 
> **Destiny sounded good. I tried the name out in my head. I liked it.**
> 
> **"Call me Destiny. I like that name."**
> 
> **"Alright then, Destiny it is." Steve held up an imaginary glass. "Here's to your new name!"**

The agents looked at each other with identical expressions of disgust. “Destiny… Really? That isn’t strange, that’s Speshul!” Rayner fumed.

“It’s almost like the author’s checking off a Mary Sue litmus test,” E.V.L. agreed. “How many chapters do you think it’ll be before we move in?”

“We’ll have to wait for enough action scenes to judge how she does under pressure. If things turn south,  _ then _ we kill her.”

“Right.”

After sharing a cake with Steve, the Sue bid him farewell and headed off, just as the chapter ended. E.V.L. and Rayner decided to portal to the next chapter — but not before swiping some cooked pork, a few apples, a stack of cookies, some mushroom stew, and another cake from Steve’s food supply.

> **CHAPTER 3 - What Am I?**
> 
> **I went to visit Steve almost every day, and every visit would bring us closer. We often went mining and exploring together. I even got to ride Porkchop once. After a few weeks had gone by, Number One said it wouldn't be long before we could launch our attack. I didn't tell him about my slip-up the first day, of course, and luckily I haven't made any more. To be honest I was beginning to get quite worried. I wasn't sure if I wanted Steve to die.**
> 
> **"That's how the world works, H. Survival of the fittest," Twenty-Four told me at breakfast one day. "If we don't kill him and take his stuff then you can bet some gang of endermen or zombies will."**
> 
> **I considered this. He had a good point.**
> 
> **"Think about it this way," he continued, "do you think Steve would spare us, given the chance to kill us all?"**
> 
> **"I guess not," I sighed, sadly nibbling my apple. "I just feel so guilty. I can only imagine the look on his face when the time comes for me to betray him but it's enough to send a shiver down my spine."**

The agents looked at each other with identical expressions of frustration. “Soooo predictable,” Rayner said dully. “Sent in to kill him and then starts having feelin’s for him… I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts developin’ a crush.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth, Rayner,” E.V.L. replied.

The two of them followed the Sue back to Steve’s place, and watched them exchange more banter. Another creeper showed up, eliciting a predictable response from Steve — and the Sue, of course, tried to stop him. After an argument about whether creepers were good or bad, the Sue ran off and returned to the creeper base, where her doubts were dismissed by Twenty-Four.

> **I thought about it during dinner. I worried so much I barely touched my mushroom stew, swirling it with my spoon. I can't help but wonder... am I a creeper? Or am I a human?**

“Well, this is going surprisingly fast,” said E.V.L. as the chapter ended.

“Should step in now?” asked Rayner. “Or should we just continue keeping an eye out on the fic?”

“I’m not sure. The Sue I can understand, but what about Number One? What do we do with him?”

“I have no idea. We haven’t seen him really interact with anyone important just yet.”

She thought about this for a moment. “I don’t know… Maybe we should at least talk to him about what he really wants. If he’s willing to cooperate, maybe we can recruit him.”

Rayner looked at her as though she’d said that she wanted to set a Balrog loose in the Nursery.

“The Words of the next chapter say that he has an office,” she continued. “Maybe we can find him there.”

Rayner glared at her yet again. “You’re not supposed to talk to the badfic characters, E.V.L. You know that, right?”

“Still, I think it’s worth a try. Let’s listen to the Sue’s conversation with him and see what happens.”

“Ugh, fair enough.”

> **I just want to thank everyone who has read my fanfic so far! I'm so glad you like it! *gives out cookies* :D To be honest, I didn't think many people would. :P**
> 
> **For the person who asked how many more chapters there are(I'm gonna call him/her Bob), I'm not exactly sure, but most likely 4-5 more chapters, including this one. Have another cookie, Bob. *gives moar cookies* :D**
> 
> **Without further fanfare, here is chapter 4! Enjoy! ^.^**

The agents landed in Chapter Four just in time to hear the Author’s Note.

“At least this fic’s shorter than the previous one,” E.V.L. noted.

“Dunno if that’s good or bad,” said Rayner. “On the one hoof, we won’t have to take too long to get through it. On the other, it also means we’re seein’  _ more _ bad stuff in a shorter space of time.”

A moment later, the agents found themselves just outside Number One’s office again. The Sue went inside the office, and at his request, she sat down in a chair that had appeared out of nowhere.

> **"Are you making good progress with your mission, H?"**
> 
> **I nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, sir."**
> 
> **Number One glared at me. I slumped in my chair. I had obviously said something wrong.**
> 
> **"Your fellow creepers have told me otherwise. I shan't mention any names, but they say you are beginning to doubt whether or not it is a good idea to kill Steve."**
> 
> **Twenty-Four. I should have known. There was an awkward silence.**
> 
> **"Well?" Number One demanded, startling me. "Am I right, Creeper H? Do you not want Steve dead?"**
> 
> **"No, sir. I mean, yes, sir." I paused. "I don't want him dead."**
> 
> **Number One sighed. I rubbed my hands together nervously, awaiting his response. I knew he wouldn't take this well.**

Number One was rather calm about his response, though. He simply explained that Steve had killed many creepers before, and that the injustice should not go unavenged. He then ordered her to “ **find the diamonds** ” that Steve always obtained while mining.

As soon as the Sue left, the agents made to follow her, but she vanished from sight in an instant. As soon as she was gone, E.V.L. walked up to the office door and knocked.

A voice bade her to enter.

_ Don’t do this, Glitter Girl, _ Rayner thought frantically.  _ It won’t do us any good! _

_ I said it was worth trying, _ she thought back.  _ What more do I ask for? _

_ Why don’t you stop and think about what you’re doin’? What if he figures us out too quickly? We’ll have to neuralyze him if he knows too much! _

_ Do I look like I care? What was that? I don’t? I totally thought so. _

Despite Rayner’s mental protests, she stepped into the office, where Number One was just sitting there, not needed by the narrative.

“Excuse me,” she said. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Number One looked up at her. “What?”

“Sorry,” replied E.V.L. “I was just… thinking… about your spy’s recent mission.”

“She’s doing okay, thank you,” he replied. “And I don’t recall seeing you around here,” replied Number One.

“I just got here,” she replied, thinking fast. “I’m, er… Creeper 666.”

“We refer to our fellow creepers using Roman numerals,” Number One replied. “If you want a more effective pseudonym, try Creeper DCLXVI.”

E.V.L. gasped, and she could almost hear Rayner’s thoughts blend into an incoherent scream of rage. “H-how did you — ”

“Using a number as an ID tag? Pfff, please. That’s not how it works around here.”

“I, uh — ”

Another creeper burst into the office and tackled her from behind, and she face-planted right in front of him.

“What are you doin’?!” Rayner almost yelled.

_ Improvising, _ she thought in reply.

“The real question is, what are  _ you _ two doing in our base?” Number One asked, his eye sockets narrowing.

“I told you, we’re not from here,” E.V.L. replied as she stood up. “We’re from another base elsewhere, and we really do use numbers as ID tags.”  _ And that’s not even a lie _ , she added in her thoughts.

“Yeah, she’s Creeper 666, and I’m Creeper, um… 667,” Rayner added.

Number One looked at the two of them. “And why are you two here?”

Rayner paused to consider this. “Well… We think… We think there may be something wrong with Creeper H.”

The helmet-wearing creeper looked at them skeptically. “She’s half-human, half-creeper. Is there anything wrong with that?”

“There is,” E.V.L. replied. “She’s not supposed to, well, exist…”

“She is perfectly  _ fine _ as she is,” Number One replied angrily. “You two  _ aren’t.  _ So if you know what’s good for you, then go back to your own base. Or do you want us to have to escort you out ourselves?”

“No no, it’s fine! Consider it done! We’ll be outta here ASAP,” Rayner replied hastily, pushing a now thoroughly confused E.V.L. out the door.

“Well,  _ that  _ went well,” he said sarcastically as soon as they were out of earshot.

“Is this why we’re not supposed to talk to the badfic characters?” she asked.

He gave her a glare that would have melted the dye off a block of wool, before opening a portal to the next scene. “What did you  _ think _ was gonna happen?!”

 

* * *

 

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [C148 — “Cat”](http://youtu.be/J8aHe9GxKRw)



 

The agents returned to Steve’s cabin, just in time to see the Sue meet up with him once again. Rayner was still incensed at E.V.L. for openly violating the PPC standards earlier.

“Look, I had no idea he was not going to trust us straight away,” the disguised demon said to her partner. “I really didn’t.”

“And you should be  _ thankful _ for that,” he spat back. “What are we supposed to tell him if he finds out about the PPC?”

“He’s not canonical.”

“Then we should just use the neuralyzer, take off his diamond helmet, and get him to assimilate back into the canon. How hard is that, really?”

She paused to consider this. “I don’t know, really. But inviting someone else to join us certainly sounds tempting.”

“I’ve already had enough trouble from you for a  _ long _ time. Don’t buck this up even further than you already have.”

“Fine. Have it your way. But don’t be surprised if he asks.”

“I hate you, Glitter Girl.”

The Sue and Steve struck up another conversation, this time about mining; Steve related some of his mining adventures.

“How’s the canon so far?” asked E.V.L.

“Aside from the creeper army in the room, it’s not too out of shape,” Rayner replied. “The accounts of mining are fairly realistic as far as the game is concerned.”

> **"What about diamonds?"**
> 
> **Steve whistled. "Diamonds? They're pretty hard to come by."**
> 
> **"Have you ever found any?"**
> 
> **"Three. I've only ever found three."**
> 
> **That couldn't be right. What about his chests full of diamonds? He must be lying.**
> 
> **"I want to show you something, Destiny." Steve opened his chest and out of it he took a sparkling blue pickaxe. "This is what I made with my diamonds. Isn't it awesome?"**
> 
> **"Is it enchanted?"**
> 
> **"No, I need a couple more diamonds before I can make myself an enchantment table." He waved his pickaxe in the air. "Still, with this beauty it should be no problem."**
> 
> **"Yeah," I agreed, not really paying attention. I was too busy thinking. Why does he only have a diamond pickaxe? Are the rumors fake?**

“That’s actually pretty consistent with canon as well,” E.V.L. said as she flipped through the Fictionary.

“Agreed,” Rayner added, eating a pork chop so his hunger wouldn’t drop to zero. “If only we can nab that diamond pickaxe, though…”

“Um, why?”

“Think about it! Diamonds for  _ days _ ! Of course, Number One will be jealous, but still…”

“Then don’t risk it.”

“But — ”

“It belongs to Steve, anyway, and I’m pretty sure he’s a canon, even if he’s got so little personality in the actual game. If you want to bring something home, bring the Sue’s sword.”

“Fair enough. Has she even  _ used _ it, anyway? We should charge for her completely forgetting about it!”

As if his words were magic, the Sue spilled her bag — and accidentally revealed the sword.

“There you go,” said E.V.L.

> **"Wow," he whispered. "How did you get that?"**
> 
> **"I... well..." I hesitated.**
> 
> **"And you're calling ME the master miner!" Steve patted me on the back. "That's amazing, Destiny! Do you have an enchanted diamond pickaxe to go with your brilliant sword?"**
> 
> **"YYeah, of course." I could always ask Number One for one, and if he said no I'd just tell Steve an enderman stole it. "I'll go back home and get it now."**
> 
> **"Great, I can't wait."**
> 
> **Steve smiled, much more warmly than a creeper. I couldn't help smiling back.**

“Endermen don’t steal items, just blocks,” Rayner grumbled. “On the plus side, at least we’ll have an enchanted pickaxe!”

“It’s probably one of Number One’s pickaxes. I wouldn’t risk it.”

“Who cares? It’s not like he’ll notice!”

The two of them portaled to the next chapter, appearing just in front of Number One’s office again. They peeked inside, wondering if he was busy, and sure enough, they saw the Sue talking to him.

> **CHAPTER 5 My Destiny**
> 
> **"He thinks you're a master miner, you say?"**
> 
> **"Yes, sir." I nodded. "That's why I need a pickaxe, preferably enchanted, like my sword."**
> 
> **"Very well. I'll have Number Two deliver an enchanted diamond pickaxe to your dorm room later."**
> 
> **"Thank you, sir." I headed for the door when Number One stopped me.**
> 
> **"H, wait."**
> 
> **I turned around. "Hm? Yes, sir?"**
> 
> **"Have you seen the diamonds yet?"**
> 
> **I hesitated. "Well, you see, the thing is... all he has is a diamond pickaxe."**
> 
> **"What?!"**
> 
> **"And it's not even enchanted."**
> 
> **"That can't be true! He's obviously hiding them from you."**
> 
> **"My thoughts exactly, sir. I'm sure he'll show me the diamonds eventually, once I've gained a little more of his trust."**

_ See, I  _ told  _ you they were his,  _ Rayner thought to E.V.L..

The disguised ex-Ficubus looked oddly pensive.  _ You know what, _ he thought,  _ maybe we could get Number One to join us? _

He looked at her with as exasperated an expression as a creeper could have.  _ You must be crazy. _

_ I have egg whites for blood. How is that not crazy? _

_ Yeah, and I’m a humanized horse who eats meat. But really? Recruitin’ a creeper? What if he blows up the RC? _

_ We’ll find a place for him. I hope. _

The Sue, having told Number One about her plan to go mining with Steve, left the office.

“So, does this mean I can try again?” E.V.L. whispered as soon as she was gone.

“Don’t you dare,” Rayner hissed quietly. “We’re not supposed to even interact with a badfic character on even the level of detail you did the first time.”

“But I’ve heard of some DMS agents taking their chances,” she snapped back. “Gall Knutson didn’t give that Earwig Slugthrower guy any trouble when he first met her, didn’t she? What’s wrong with having another go?”

“A lot of things, especially since you just  _ had _ to act like you lost your head a second time,” Rayner snapped back.

“How was I to know he’d reject us?”

“How were  _ you _ to know?” he scoffed. “You underwent therapy for a  _ reason, _ Glitter Girl. Now, let’s go. We don’t wanna lose her!”

The two of them stepped through a portal, unaware that a certain helmeted creeper had heard their discussion. Luckily, he had no idea what they were talking about at all, and the narrative subsumed him relatively quickly before he could start asking questions.

The agents, meanwhile, found the Sue in a conversation with Twenty-Four, just in time to witness an awkward moment.

> **He sighed. "H. You're a human."**
> 
> **"I'm part creeper."**
> 
> **"You're a human with a lump of TNT shoved inside you!"**
> 
> **"And why does that stop us being friends?"**
> 
> **"Do you even know what Number One plans to do with you once Steve is destroyed?!"**
> 
> **My eyes widened. I felt a flicker of fear in my stomach. "What?**
> 
> **TwentyFour didn't say anything. His eyes couldn't meet mine. I heard him swallow. "Er... I've said too much."**
> 
> **"Tell me!"**
> 
> **"I can't. Number One said nobody is to tell you."**

“He’s gonna tell her anyway, isn’t he?” asked E.V.L.

“Knowing the way this story’s goin’? Most likely,” replied Rayner.

>   **"Please. I'm begging you." I looked into his big, black eyes. "Tell me."**
> 
> **He hesitated. Sighed again. Tapped his claws on the ground rhythmically. Finally, he said, "Alright. I'll tell you." He took a deep breath.**
> 
> **"When Number Two planted TNT inside you, he attached a chip to it. A button controlled by Number One activates the chip and detonates your TNT. When Steve is gone, he's going to lead you deep into the jungle and kill you, H."**
> 
> **"WhWHAT?! But why?!"**
> 
> **"He said once you've served your purpose you're no longer of use to us. At least it's a quick way to go."**

The agents looked at each other in stark horror.

“Why would Number One do somethin’ like this?!” Rayner asked in horror. “I know neither of them are bein’ written well, but that’s just terrible!”

“And stereotypical,” E.V.L. added. “If you  _ really _ want to hurt her, just take out the TNT and abandon her. Then she’ll have to spend the rest of her life knowing that Steve is dead and it’s all her fault.”

“Gee, thanks, Lucifer,” her partner hissed angrily. “Celestia’s mane, this is such a terrible effort on the author’s part!”

“Hey, at least I got a mini out of it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The Sue bear-hugged Twenty-Four, and explained her plan: to steal Number One’s diamonds and run off with them. She even invited him along, but he understandably balked at this proposal. The agents, meanwhile, looked on in shock and exasperation.

> **"We're not talking about a creeper. There's fifty of us in the CA. You can't fight forty-nine creepers all by yourself without getting killed."**
> 
> **"I'd have you."**
> 
> **"Oh, yeah, like I could hold a sword with these things." He lifted his front claws. "Face it, H. There's no way we could pull it off."**
> 
> **"You give up far too easily," I scolded.**
> 
> **"So just because I don't want us to die that makes ME the bad guy in this?" he snapped. "You're on your own."**
> 
> **"Fine. I'll show you." I stormed off towards my dorm room. "I'll show you! I'll pull it off tonight!"**

The agents would have facepalmed simultaneously, but unfortunately, their short legs prevented them from doing that.

“I wonder what Onesie’s gonna think about this,” E.V.L. wondered aloud.

Rayner paused for a moment. “You want to tell him?”

“I don’t know. But if we’re going to help, we may eventually have to let him know about who — or rather,  _ what _ she is.”

“We’re  _ not  _ helping him, E.V.L., and even if you told him, I don’t think it’ll make a difference. If he acts against us, we’ll charge him too. That or return him to the canon.”

“Fair enough. Let’s go.”

> **CHAPTER 6 The Diamond Heist**
> 
> **Number Two gave me my diamond pickaxe after dinner, but I didn't go back to Steve's house. I had a mission of my own to do.**
> 
> **When the night fell, as soon as I was sure everyone else was asleep, I began packing my few belongings. As I did so I thought about food.**

“Lucky we took some food already,” said E.V.L. “Otherwise,  _ we’d _ have to steal from them too. I don’t think Number One would like that.”

“But he’d be worried about someone takin’ the diamonds,” her partner replied. “Be it us or her.”

The Sue made her way to Number One’s office once again, and once she saw that he was asleep, she snuck inside. The agents watched and waited.

“If she’s successful, we’ll have to nab the diamonds once we get rid of her,” said E.V.L. “We can use them to pay off any damages in the future.”

“Good thinkin’,” replied Rayner.

Predictably, the Sue managed to pull off the heist without alerting Number One. The only thing inside the chest after she was done was  **a small remote control with a large red button.** The Sue snatched the uncanonical control and left as quickly as she could, completely missing the agents as she returned to her dormitory.

> **I grabbed the control with the red button, flung it onto the floor and stomped on it as hard as I could. And again. And again. Finally, I heard a crunch. When I lifted my foot I saw a little pile of redstone dust and a few mechanical bits and bobs. I smiled, knowing that Number One had no control over me any more.**

“Well, there goes our chance to blow her up,” said Rayner.

“You still have your sword, though,” E.V.L. replied. “Of course, the Sue’s supposedly a skilled swordswoman, but I’m sure we can take her.”

“As long as you don’t get us turned to grease stains, I’m okay with that,” Rayner replied. “All right, we need to think about how we can finish this. Do we take care of things in the chapter after this one?”

“The fic ends in a few more chapters, so yes, that may be a good breaking point. Of course, there’s just one little problem…”

Right on cue, Number One’s cry of outrage — an oddly out-of-character moment for such a collected individual — startled them both. Their conversation must’ve woken him up. They rushed into the office to find him standing in front of his empty chest with a murderous expression.

“I should have known,” he hissed. “I  _ heard _ her, but I never thought she’d actually  _ do _ it…”

“She took your diamonds, didn’t she?” asked Rayner. “And the control?”

Number One spun around to see them. “ _ You _ ,” he snarled. “Didn’t I see you before?! You’re with  _ her _ , aren’t you?!”

E.V.L. spoke up before Rayner could. “ _ No.  _ We are here to  _ kill _ her. And you as well, if you don’t comply.”

“Oh, so you  _ are _ spies?!” the creeper snapped. “Is that what your whispers were about?”

“In a way, yes,” E.V.L. replied. “Specifically, we are agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and by our orders, you are hereby convicted of the following charges: not understanding human physiology, performing experiments on a human being that would get you sued for malpractice, hoarding and wearing stuff you’d have no business with in canon, building a society of mobs that normally don’t have complex-enough AI for that, and not having a specific motivation for the bad things you’ve done or are planning to do.”

He stared at her, dumbfounded. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Creeper H is a threat to you and to everyone else,” E.V.L. continued bitterly. “If you try to stop her, none of you will survive. Not even you, Onesie.”

“I don’t care,” said Number One. “Creeper H will die, and she will die  _ tonight. _ ”

“Actually, we can’t let you kill her,” said E.V.L.

He looked at them incredulously. “ _ Are you kidding me? _ This is a crime committed against me personally! I will not rest until I have my diamonds back!”

Rayner realized what she was trying to do, and made a mental note to hurt her for this later. A lot.

_ I heard that, _ she thought.  _ Don’t bother. What would the Sunflower think if we still can’t cooperate after two months in FicPsych? _

Rayner thought something too obscene to say out loud, but then he remembered that Number One was in front of them.

_ Alright, alright, fine!  _ he thought sternly.  _ You can have him for all I care, but you owe me for this one.  _ Big _ time. _

“If you kill her,” he said, “Steve will blame the creepers for it. He will come for you. And he will kill every single one of you guys. Hell, he’d hunt your entire species to extinction. If you want her dead, let us do it.”

He looked at them incredulously. “Why?”

“Because that’s what we do.”

Number One paused to consider this, but ultimately made his decision. “Very well. If you want the responsibility, you can have it… but under one condition.”

The agents looked at each other and back at him. “We’re listening,” said Rayner.

“I will have to accompany you personally.”

There was a moment of silence. Then E.V.L. spoke up.

“Absolutely.”

Rayner gave her a wide-eyed look of shock and fury. “Okay, that settles it. You’re even crazier than I am!”

“You know the saying, ‘He knows too much?’ Well…”

“Let’s discuss this later,” Number One said before she could argue. “But before we go, tell me… What do you  _ really  _ think about Creeper H?”

“I think,” said E.V.L., “it would probably be better to  _ show  _ you.”

He still remained doubtful, but did not argue. The helmet-wearing creeper followed the two agents cautiously, wondering what they were up to.

A strange ring of blue light appeared in front of them, and Number One stopped in surprise. “What is that?! It’s… it’s…”

“A circle,” said Rayner. “Or a portal, rather. Just step through after us. It’s not too hard.”

The agents hopped through the portal, one by one, and after a moment’s hesitation, Number One followed suit.

 

* * *

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: [CaptainSparklez and TryHardNinja — “Take Back The Night”](http://youtu.be/OrIPF-t5ewE)



 

> **I didn't know what to say. I wanted to do the right thing but I didn't know what the right thing was. If I said creeper, Steve would die and I would be killed by Number One. If I said human, the creepers would hunt Steve and I down and kill both of us. There was no way out. If I was fated for death I decided I may as well die with dignity.**
> 
> **"I'm a human, Twenty-Four," I told him, my head high, my voice shaky with fear. "And there's nothing you can do about it."**
> 
> **TwentyFour shook his head sadly. "What happened to you? The H I know would never say she was a human."**
> 
> **"I am a human. You said it yourself."**
> 
> **"I didn't mean that." I saw tears in his dark, gloomy eyes. "You know I didn't. I told you, I was just upset because of what Number One plans to do to you."**
> 
> **"I'm sorry, Twenty-Four. I'm not a creeper. You were right; I'm just a human with a lump of TNT inside me."**
> 
> **My creeper friend shook his head again. "You're more than that. You're my best friend." Tears rolled down his face. "I just don't want you to get hurt."**
> 
> **In all the years I had been at the CA, not once had I seen a creeper cry.**

Number One and the agents hid under the trapdoor through which the Sue and Twenty-Four had exited the base. Though the trapdoor was closed, they could listen to every word the runaways were saying.

“Took her long enough to dispel the illusion,” said Number One.

“Okay, WTF?!” Rayner hissed. “Creepers don’t cry! You can’t cry in Minecraft — there’s no function for it! And the only water droplets in the game are raindrops!”

“Be quiet, Pony Boy, or she’ll hear us!” E.V.L. whispered.

“You speak like this world is some kind of ‘game’,” Number One spoke, keeping one black eye on the Sue. “Does this have something to do with your earlier explanation about where you are from?”

“Eeyup,” Rayner replied. “You’re a creature from a video game, and this is a story being written about it — I wouldn’t call it  _ bad _ , but it’s got too many clich é s for my taste. We’re here to add a little  _ extra  _ spice.”

“But why you specifically?” asked Number One. “Why can’t I just get rid of her myself?”

E.V.L. looked at him, and took a deep breath. “Because you can’t.”

He stared at her. “Why?”

“We at the PPC have a term for characters like Creeper H,” she explained. “We call them ‘Mary Sues’. They do things too easily, and overcome obstacles with no difficulty. I’ll give the author of this badfic credit for good spelling, initial errors in capitalization notwithstanding, but yeah, what Pony Boy said. I just  _ know _ she’ll win. Besides, what if characters like her use this world as a base of operations for invading other continua? I know I would’ve.”

“You really should’ve expected Creeper H to start having feelings for Steve, too,” said Rayner. “And you can’t wire TNT to someone’s brain. It makes no sense.”

“Oh, so now you’re calling  _ me  _ a problem?” Number One asked dubiously. “Look, if you’re going to try and dispose of me, I’ll have you know that I still have the rest of my army ready to blow you to kingdom come.”

The disguised ex-Ficubus shook her head. “Oh, no. You’re not the worst thing about this fic. Not by a long shot.”

There was a massive explosion somewhere nearby which cut off any train of thought that any of them had. Number Twenty-Four had detonated.

It was then that Number One realized that the Sue had been manipulating them all along. It was her fault that he’d lost one of his followers…  _ and _ his diamonds.

“Alright, that does it,” Number One spat angrily. “You two, follow my lead.”

“Wait, what?!” asked Rayner.

“Trust him,” replied E.V.L. “He’s a badfic character. He’ll know what to do.”

He glared at her. “Only you, Glitter Girl.”

Number One opened the trapdoor and stepped out into the generic jungle biome.  **“Who's there?”** he called out.  **“Show yourself!”**

The agents could tell from the Words that the Sue felt suddenly terrified. She turned and clumsily ran off as fast as she could, vegetation crunching beneath her feet.

**“Who's there?” Number One repeated. “I can hear you! I know who you are! The Creeper Alliance is coming for you!”**

“Don’t worry,” said E.V.L., dialing the RA. “We’ll find her soon enough. We’ll have to jump to the next chapter, though.”

“Right,” Number One replied. “Wait for me — I’ll get some backup. As soon as we find her, you two take care of her.”

“Understood, sir,” E.V.L. replied. “We truly appreciate your help.”

“But why him?” Rayner asked while opening the portal. “What good is he gonna bring us?”

E.V.L. would have smiled if she could. “You said that creepers are a miner’s worst fear, didn’t you? Let’s find out if that’s true.”

> **Here it is, the last chapter! What will happen? *dun dun duuuuuuun***
> 
> **Enjoy! :D**

The Author’s Note boomed all around them, and the agents flinched at the sound.

“When do we step in?” E.V.L. asked as they watched the Sue rush over to Steve’s cabin.

**"You can run, but you can't hide!" Number One's voice echoed through the jungle** .

“As soon as the creepers arrive, we take over,” said Rayner. “I’ll distract her while you take her down.”

“You have your sword, right?”

“Yep.”

“I don’t have any weapons, though.”

“But you have an RA.”

> **"You don't expect us to take on forty-nine creepers all at once, do you?!"**
> 
> **"I have swords." I took my backpack off and opened it to hunt for a sword, but the weight of all the diamonds was too much and I dropped the backpack on the floor. It landed with a thud, tipped over and an avalanche of diamonds spilled around our feet. I looked at Steve. He looked at me.**
> 
> **"Where did you get these?" he whispered.**
> 
> **I took a deep breath. After a moment of silence, I eventually said, "Steve, I haven't been entirely truthful with you."**
> 
> **"What do you mean, Destiny?" Steve looked anxious.**
> 
> **"My name isn't Destiny," I began, "and I haven't lost my memory. My name is Creeper H."**
> 
> **"Creeper?!"**
> 
> **"Yes. I'm half creeper. I stole these diamonds from my leader."**
> 
> **"Leader? Of what?"**
> 
> **"The Creeper Alliance." The cat was way out of the bag now. Well, the diamonds were, but you know what I mean. I decided I might as well tell him everything. "I'm from the Creeper Alliance, and my goal was to destroy you and take your diamonds."**

“All that,” E.V.L. grumbled, “and she  _ still  _ insists that she’s part creeper? Geez, and I thought Onesie was the stupid one.”

“I did too,” Rayner admitted. “But at least we can kill her now. We have enough charges. I hope.”

The Sue continued her explanation about who she really was, during which Steve reacted quite predictably. Regardless, he took up a sword, causing the agents to shake their heads.

“Okay,  _ now _ we have enough charges,” said Rayner.

“Indeed so,” E.V.L. replied.

> **"They'd still look for us. They spent years looking for you, Steve. I won't run." I clutched my sword with both hands. "I won't run any more! I'm going to face those creepers and-"**
> 
> **I stopped. I could hear something outside. Judging by the look on Steve's face, he could hear it too.**
> 
> **Footsteps. Dozens and dozens of footsteps making their way through the grass.**
> 
> **"Creeper H!" Number One's voice boomed loud from outside. "We know you're in there! Come outside with the diamonds immediately and we may consider sparing your life!"**

“That’s our cue,” Rayner whispered. “Let’s finish this!”

The Sue was too busy arguing with Steve to notice them. Moving in total silence, they crept around the house, just in time to see the whole creeper army gathered outside the front door, with Number One in the lead.

“ **Creeper H!** ” Number One called out again. “ **This is your last chance! Come outside now or you’ll be destroyed with Steve!** ”

“Wait! WAIT!!!” Rayner called out as he and his partner rushed into view. The creepers all looked at them in total confusion.

“I think you might want to stand back,” E.V.L. said in a slightly frantic voice. “She still has the TNT inside her. She’s going to sacrifice herself to destroy all of you in one go.”

Number One looked at her, dumbfounded. The other creepers murmured amongst each other in horror.

“Do we have any other options?” the helmet-wearing creeper asked.

“Can we trust you not to blow up for five minutes?” the ex-ficubus asked. “Even if you see two more humans right in front of you?”

The other creepers looked on in confusion. Then Number One nodded and turned to face them.

“Fall back!” he called. “Retreat! Creepers 666 and 667 will be taking care of — What?!”

Where two creepers had stood, there were now two blocky people: a boy textured with a light blue pilot’s jacket, ripped jeans, and rainbow hair, and a girl with dark blue, smoke-like hair, purple chest armor, a bare midriff, and black leather pants and sleeves.

Number One flashed white with a sizzling noise for about half a second, but Rayner took out his sword and brandished it, forcing him to back down. Upon seeing the diamond sword, the Random Creepers imitated their leader.

“You promised,” said E.V.L.

Number One took one look at the sword, and then nodded in approval to the agents. “As long as I have my diamonds back, she’s all yours.”

“But we can’t risk tryin’ to kill the Sue at the cabin,” said Rayner. “What would happen if she blows up?”

“She’s probably gonna blow up anyway if she sees the Creeper Alliance,” said E.V.L. “If she dies as the fic commands, we’ll be in serious trouble.”

“So, what do we do with her?”

Rayner thought about it for a moment, and then smiled. “I have an idea. But we’ll have to do this together. All of us.”

The Sue promptly emerged from the front door, a blank look on her face as the fic dictated. But when she saw the agents and Number One, she did a double-take.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I was considering the idea of going in and killing you directly,” said Number One, “but I have been told by a few… informants… that such a strategy would backfire, and fatally so. Therefore, I’m not going to kill you.”

“Y-you aren’t?!” Destiny cried out, feeling relieved.

“Nope,” said Rayner, taking out his sword. “ _ We _ will.”

Realizing what this meant, the Sue drew her own sword. Rayner raised his, preparing for battle.

The Sue and the agent charged at each other, and their enchanted swords met with such force that they actually threw sparks. He attempted to score a hit, but she managed to parry every single strike. E.V.L. and Number One circled around, attempting to find an opening.

“Creeper H, a.k.a. Destiny,” Rayner cried out as he continued to fend her off. “By order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Mary Sue on account of the following charges: proclaimin’ to be a hybrid of two different species despite  _ clearly  _ bein’ an ordinary human being with TNT inside you; havin’ said TNT wired to your  _ brain _ in clear defiance of logic and anatomy; completely failin’ to describe your appearance; givin’ creepers the ability to talk, form organized militant units, eat people, and buckin’  _ cry _ ; givin’ mobs genders; attemptin’ to forge Twu Wuv with Steve even though you were supposed to  _ kill _ him; pickin’ a Speshul name; creatin’ four mini-creepers due to improper capitalization; makin’ creepers commit suicide just to advance the plot; usin’ too many clich é d plot devices, for that matter; havin’ Steve continue to trust you  _ right after you revealed your true intentions to him _ ; utterly wastin’ your fighting prowess; failin’ to understand some of the gameplay elements of  _ Minecraft _ ; and attemptin’ to sacrifice yourself just to resolve a story which was so bland that talking to the bucking  _ main antagonist  _ was more eventful! You weren’t terrible as far as spelling and gameplay knowledge are concerned, but you were just too predictable!”

Their swords met in a cross-shape, and he peered past them to glower at her. “That’s a nice climactic death scene you’ve got there, Creeper H,” he hissed. “Would be a shame if something were to, oh,  _ happen to it… _ ”

“ **I’m not a creeper,** ” said the Sue. “ **My name is Destiny, and I am a human.** ”

The fizzling sound from her head gave Rayner a moment’s warning. Thinking hard about where he wanted to send the Sue, he grabbed her wrist and wrenched the enchanted sword from her before backing off. “E.V.L.,  _ NOW! _ ”

Before Destiny could respond, E.V.L. had opened up a portal beneath her feet. The Sue fell through, landing on the edge of a pale, rocky cliff. Her body briefly flashed red as she took a nasty dose of fall damage, but she wasn’t finished yet.

The sky above her was black, as was the sky beyond the floating island she was sitting on, and tall obsidian spires loomed ahead of her. More importantly, a colossal winged reptile was swooping straight at her, its purple eyes glowing like torches. She had no time to explode.

Creeper H was struck with such force that she was launched into the air, away from solid ground, and she plummeted, screaming, into the eternal abyss beyond.

 

_ Creeper_H_Destiny fell into the void while fighting Ender Dragon _

 

E.V.L. closed the portal, looking at Rayner.  _ Clean-up time?  _ she asked mentally.

_ Clean-up time, _ he thought back, thinking about how he’d neuralyzed the alicorn princesses last time as he put the Rainbolt away. She understood immediately.

The former Sue-wraith strode into the house and scrolled through her inventory until she found her neuralyzer, shutting her eyes while Steve stared at her in confusion.  _ FLASH! _

“None of this happened,” she said. “You never met a girl who said she was half-creeper or had TNT inside her. And you’ve certainly never heard of any Creeper Alliance or any other union of hostile mobs. Also, we were never here, and you have only a diamond pickaxe and a diamond sword to mine and fight with, the honest way. On behalf of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, have a nice life.”

She picked up all the diamonds and the Sue’s bag before heading out, shutting the door behind her.

“And that,” she said, “is the end of it.”

Number One, who had just finished sending his creepers off into the Overworld to despawn (Rayner had neuralyzed them earlier, and they thankfully couldn’t talk anymore), looked at the bag in anticipation. “Now, then, may I have my diamonds back?”

“You may,” said E.V.L., a bit taken aback that he could still speak. “But only under one condition. You’ll have to come with us.”

Rayner glowered at her again.

“We can’t just leave him here,” she explained. “Not after today. Besides, creepers can’t wear helmets or obsess over ores and such.”

“But I can’t leave my diamond hoard behind,” Number One pointed out.

“You have a choice, Number One,” E.V.L. replied. “Either join the PPC, or be assimilated into the canon and leave your gems forever. Take it…” He opened a portal back to their RC. “…or leave it.”

It didn’t take long for the creeper leader to make his decision.

 

_ Rayner_Bowerman_Blitzkrieg left the game. _

_ Evangeline_von_Lilith left the game. _

_ Creeper_Number_One left the game. _

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Two people had stepped out of RC #133,316,666. Three stepped back in.

Rayner and E.V.L. returned to their normal forms, to Number One’s understandable confusion. He had never seen a person shaped like, well, anything that wasn’t blocky before.

“What is this place?” he asked, feeling the Generic Floor beneath his cube-shaped feet. “I have never seen anything before that isn’t, well, boxy.”

“Our home,” said Rayner, dropping the Sue’s bag onto his bed and sifting through the contents. He withdrew the enchanted diamond pickaxe and the diamond sword, admiring their enchanted glow.

“I’m tempted to keep the pickaxe too,” he said, “but perhaps I could give it to someone who needs it more than I do…”

“That was mine to begin with,” said Number One. “Now, about your end of the deal…”

E.V.L. took the bag and dropped it at his feet. “Keep ‘em, Onesie. You deserve them.”

Number One looked down at the bag with a shocked expression, lifting the cover flap just to be sure. He was surprised and relieved to see the glint of a large number of blue gems inside.

“I… uh… I don’t know what to say,” he said. “Thank you. Both of you. But now for the obvious question… What next?”

“We need a new crash-test-dummy, for a start,” said E.V.L., feeling relieved to be able to take her head off again (which only confused Number One even more) and play with her mini-creeper. “We lost the one we used today, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford another…”

To the total shock of both agents, Number One picked up three diamonds from the bag and tossed them to the ground at their feet.

“That should be enough to make either a pickaxe or an enchantment table,” he said. “If you need any more, just let me know. It’s only fair, seeing as you saved my life.”

The canon-bound demon girl broke out into a grin. “And you’ve just saved ours, Onesie. I’ll remember to buy us a new dummy on the way back to my holding cell. So, call it even?”

“As long as you stop calling me Onesie, then yes, certainly.”

“Oh, right! You need a new name,” she replied, rolling her head across her shoulders and then putting it back on her neck. “Well, I guess I’ll leave it to you. I’m sure you can think of something.”

The helmet-wearing creeper deliberated over this for a moment. “Salvo,” he said finally. “I like Salvo. It’s a term for explosives, and it also has a guttural, hissing sound, like the noise we make before exploding.”

Rayner gave his partner an exasperated look, then turned to the creeper. “It also means ‘to save’ in Latin, like how this headless lunatic here saved your blocky green ass back there. Count yourself lucky, because I wouldn’t have been so merciful.”

He blinked at him. “Latin? What’s Latin?”

“Don’t think about it too much,” E.V.L. replied. “Now we just need a job for you.”

“Do I have to dispose of… other… characters like Creeper H?” Salvo asked. “You know, like you do?”

“Knowing you, maybe a less… hazardous career path would be better for you,” she replied.

“Or at least a position that wouldn’t make me want to kill you for real,” Rayner snorted.

Salvo thought about it, and then looked at the agents again. “I’m just a creeper, though, if you take away my helmet. Where do you think sneaking around would be useful?”

E.V.L. gave it some thought, and then turned to the green mob again. “The Department of Intelligence,” she said. “Sneaking around in badfics is exactly what the spies there do. You’d be perfect.”

Rayner looked at them both, a little surprised. “I honestly never thought of that,” he admitted, “but it makes  _ so _ much sense! And besides, if you really want to know what Mary Sues are like, what better way to learn than through personal observation? ”

“Will I be paid in diamonds?” Salvo asked.

“Anything you want,” E.V.L. replied. “All you have to do is ask.”

For the first time in his existence, the corners of Salvo’s mouth turned up in a blocky smile. “Consider it done.”

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> And here I thought this continuum was safe from badfic… Oh, wait, I forgot about all the World One stuff involving the Let’s Players who post stuff about that game. If player avatars could be considered Real People. Dangit, if only sporking those was allowable…
> 
> Anyway, I’ve been meaning to spork this thing for quite a while now, partly due to the fact that Minecraft needs some representation in the PPC, and partly because, well, I just wanted to bust this thing a new one. I did not like this story for one major reason: there just wasn’t anything interesting. None of the characters had any characteristics that stood out to me, and their interactions didn’t make much sense. You’d think Steve would take the fact that the Sue was with the enemy a lot worse than he did, even if befriending him was their intention. And while I’m at it, where’s the fun in having the Sue fall in love with the very guy she was supposed to kill? It’s been done so many times that they’ve all started to run together, so you’d have to pull off some really crazy stuff in order to make it work these days, which this fic… doesn’t.
> 
> I also didn’t think the Sue’s conflicting loyalties made a good conflict, though that was probably because she just wasn’t that interesting to begin with. That and creepers don’t exactly form societies in the original games, either. In fact, that diamond-loving creeper who was the main antagonist would have been a more interesting character to me personally, if the fic had gotten around to exploring why he was like that in the first place. Overall, I’d say this fic was actually pretty harmless as far as the continuum was concerned (partly due to the fact that there’s just so little canon material to work with), but I expected a lot more effort from something like this, and what I got therefore left me very disappointed.
> 
> Speaking of Salvo, the original plot for this was actually to have the agents accidentally tell him about the PPC early on and have them cooperate throughout the mission to take down the Sue, but it turns out that keeping them separate until near the end worked a lot better. It also helped set up a conflict between the agents because E.V.L. wanted him and Rayner didn’t (since his views on badfic characters have become overwhelmingly negative after, well, that incident). Of course, it’s all part of my evil plan: to surround Rayner with characters recruited from badfics and see what happens. Mwahahaha! >:)
> 
> So no, you haven’t seen the last of Salvo. Not at all. He probably won’t be a main character like my agents are, though, considering that I’ve got quite a lot of them as it is already.
> 
> -SkarmorySilver
> 
>  
> 
> Rescued characters:  
> \- Creeper I/Number One → Salvo (adopted by SkarmorySilver)
> 
> Rescued minis:  
>  _Minecraft_ (mini-creepers):  
>  \- Creeper (adopted by SkarmorySilver)  
> \- smite  
> \- knockback (adopted by Voyd)  
> \- fire aspect (fire sprite)


End file.
